Life's Curveballs: Stop Asking for Permission for Things You Need

Have you ever found yourself softening your voice, over-explaining your plans, or hesitating to do something for yourself—like you’re waiting for someone else to say it’s okay? In this powerful episode Teresa calls out the subtle ways women are conditioned to ask for permission in their own lives, especially in relationships.

Through honest storytelling and personal reflection, I share what happens when we pause before saying yes to ourselves—and why it’s time to stop. From texting a partner about dinner plans to the guilt that creeps in after a night out, this episode explores the emotional tax of being “considerate” at the cost of our own freedom.

This isn’t about creating conflict—it’s about creating balance. It’s about mutual respect without losing your voice. If you’ve ever caught yourself saying, “Thanks for letting me…”—this episode is for you.

Thank you for tuning in! I truly appreciate every single listener—whether you’re here for the first time or have been with me from the start.

Want more? Follow me on TikTok and Instagram @inshockradio for extra content, motivation, and real-life moments!

Transcript

0:38

Hi everyone and welcome to the show. I am so excited you're here today and if you're a new listener, thanks so much for tuning in. It truly means a lot that we have this time together. And a special shout out to all of you listening from around the world. I know there's many of you in the us, Mexico, Europe, India, Asia, and. All kinds of places. I really appreciate you taking the time to listen in to all of these episodes. I have a feeling you are going to share this episode because today's topic is one that a lot of us ladies need to hear. So let me ask you something and be very honest with yourself. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you're asking your husband, partner, or boyfriend for permission? It's that quiet, familiar way where you feel like you need them to say it's okay for you to go do something. Maybe it's just a night out with a friend or a group of friends. Maybe it's a girl's weekend away, but something in you pauses, you hesitate. You start to overexplain, you're softening your language. Would it be okay if I. Do you mind if I, and we put on this girly voice, and by the time we're done explaining, softening and over justifying why we need to go out with this friend or friend, or why we need this weekend. You start to feel like you're a teenager, asking your parents if you can go out and that you're not a grown adult, making a decision for yourself. That moment right there, that is what we're gonna be talking about today. I wanted to bring this up because it hit close to home for me recently. I live with an amazing guy. His name is Chris. He is super chill and we have a lot of mutual respect in our relationship. The other day, my friend Amy reached out. We haven't seen each other in a couple weeks, and she suggested we get together on Friday night. It was an easy yes from me. You know those friends who just feel like home. That's Amy. We've known each other since our late twenties. We met working in the high tech industry in California, and now, believe it or not, we both are living on the Cape and we're about 30 minutes apart, so it's not always. Easy for us to get together.'cause both of us work full-time and we have a lot of things going on on the weekends. But nonetheless, when we get together, it's like no time has passed. So during the workday on Friday, I sent Chris a quick text saying, Hey, I'm gonna meet Amy later for drinks. No big deal. Right? But later that day. When I was walking to my car to go meet Amy, I caught myself thinking. Should I have asked if he was okay with me meeting her, and it wasn't because I needed permission, but because somewhere along the way I started second guessing my right to make simple plans. I. It wasn't loud it was just a little pause in my brain that made me stop and really think about this, and I thought, oh, we have got to do a podcast on this.'cause I know I am not the only one. So why did that thought even cross my mind? Let's talk about why we feel the need ladies to ask for permission to do what we want. I've been thinking a lot about where that instinct comes from. The idea that we need to ask for permission, even when we're just making everyday choices. I don't think it's just about the relationship that we're in in that moment. It goes a lot deeper than that for a lot of us. It could have started way earlier, maybe in our childhood when we were praised as little girls for being the good girl. The peacemaker, the one who never rocked the boat, or maybe it showed up in our careers where asking instead of asserting was seen as more likable. I. Much more safe. I spent years in a relationship with someone who struggled with jealousy and insecurity. He fell in love with me for all the qualities that made me, me, my independence, my drive, my ambition. But over time, guess what? Those same traits became points of tension. He started to resent the very things he once admired, and that slowly chipped away at my confidence. It really did. I began to question myself, my choices, and eventually I got to a point where I feel like I had to ask for permission and the worst part. When I would go out with my friends, he'd look me up and down, check out my outfit, and he'd say, you're wearing that. Who are you trying to impress? Let's be honest, ladies, I know a lot of you can agree with this. Most of the time when we're dressing to go out with our friends, packing for a girl's weekend away. We're dressing for ourselves, but also to impress our girlfriends. It's true, we're not trying to get attention anywhere else, but because we wanna feel confident, strong, and good in our own skin, we dress nice and sometimes your best friend hyping your outfit hits way harder than it would if a guy said the same thing.'cause we don't hear it that much. So we learn to soften, to shrink, to ask first, even when we already know what the answer's gonna be, and eventually it becomes automatic. So automatic that we don't even realize we're doing it. But here's where I wanna make something. Very, very clear. What we're talking about is not about disrespecting our partners. Mutual respect matters and it matters. Deeply in a strong relationship, we communicate, we consider each other, we plan together. But there is a difference between respecting someone and feeling like you need their permission. Two very different things, and we're talking about the latter, not about respect. So the subtle shift from checking in to seeking approval can make us feel smaller. It can take away our sense of ownership over our own time, our own choices, and our own lives. So instead of asking, would you mind if, would it be okay if, what if we just shared our plans openly and with mutual respect? Something as simple as, Hey, just checking in. Do we have anything going on tonight? Or do we have anything happening on Friday night? And if the answer is no, then say, great. I'm gonna meet Amy or whoever your friend is for dinner and drinks. At six o'clock, I'll probably be home around 10. That kind of communication is clear. It's thoughtful, and it still gives your partner space to speak up I. In my case, I ended up sending Chris a follow-up text later letting him know where Amy and I were going out. We were heading to Tree House. It's in Sandwich on the Cape. It's a brewery that he really loves, and I asked if he wanted me to bring him any beers home. I. That's not asking for permission, that's communicating, that's respect. You're not shrinking yourself in that moment. You're not apologizing for wanting a life outside the house. You're just being thoughtful, letting your partner know where you'll be so they don't worry, and so that they feel considered. It's a small shift, but it makes a huge difference because telling someone. When you'll be home isn't about control, it's about care and there's power and that kind of clarity because you're still being kind, you're still being considerate, but you're also standing in your own. Decisions. Here's a perfect example. I saw this TikTok the other day. It was two dudes standing in their tropical outfits somewhere outside of the US and the caption said, when you're 30 years old and you're letting your mom know you arrive safely. And I love that because I have three grown boys and we do that when we travel. I let them know when I'm taking off, when I've landed, I get the same respect back and it's totally normal, natural, and fine. We're not doing it because we feel obligated to do it. We're doing it because we care. And if something were to happen, they know where we are. That's what mutual respect looks like. It's not asking if you're allowed, but trusting each other enough to speak plainly and live fully. And once you start noticing it in one area of your life, you begin to spot it everywhere. It sneaks in quietly. Like when you get home after dinner with friends, you're feeling refreshed, and the first thing outta your mouth is, honey, thank you so much for letting me go out. I really needed that. Have you found yourself in that situation? But wait, letting me, we're not kids checking in with our parents. We're adults. No one let us do this. We don't need to ask. What we should be saying is a simple, Hey honey, I'm back. I had a great time. I really needed that time. That's it. No guilt, no apology, no. Thanks for letting me go. Just honesty. Then share more about the night, what you loved about it, the laughs, the conversation. Maybe you ran into some other people, maybe there was a beautiful sunset, whatever it is. But think about this. If you lived with a close friend and walked in the front door, they would probably ask you, Hey, how was your night? You dive right into the details, it would turn into a natural, engaging conversation, and that's how it should feel with your partner too. Open, easy, and supportive. Nothing other than that. When I walked in my front door with that 12 pack of Chris's favorite beers, he immediately asked me, how was the night? No attitude, no jealousy, no weird energy. I. Just genuine interest with zero friction between us. But here's the thing about guilt. The guilt doesn't just show up. After one night out, it sneaks into everything. Like what about if you wanna go away for a girl's weekend? Suddenly we're doing a mental math. Okay, how long am I gonna be gone? Who's gonna handle things for me while I'm gone? I just went out the other night. Maybe I should just stay home this time. Right. We act like we're abandoning our families instead of simply doing something for ourselves. Does that sound familiar? I know there is a lot of women out there who put everyone else before them. Everyone, their family, their friends, even strangers, they ice their ability to live life to its fullest because they're so busy caring for everybody else. It is time to melt that ice Ladies. So picture this, you've got a work trip coming up in a couple of weeks, something your partner already knows about. Then outta nowhere, a friend you haven't seen and forever reaches out and invites you to hang out just for the night for a sleepover. Immediately your brain starts spinning, wait, I've got this business trip coming up that's already three days away from home. Now I'm thinking about. Going out again for an overnight. I just went out with Amy the other day. Maybe I shouldn't. And if you decide to go, you don't just say, Hey, I'm gonna go hang out with so and so. I. Oh no. You start creating this story to soften the blow. Well, honey, she's going through something really heavy. She needs support. I wouldn't normally go, but she really could use a friend right now. when the truth is you just wanna go hang out with your friend. It's been six months. You miss her. You want to connect with her, catch up with her, throw back a couple glasses of wine. But instead of owning that, we start explaining ourselves in a way that we need them to say. Okay, I'll let you go. We're justifying having joy in our lives, but let's be real. We live with these people. We see them every day, and yet there are times when we will sacrifice quality time with a friend to avoid guilt. But listen to this. Think how guilty you feel when you tell your friend no. So you've got guilt with your partner. Guilt.'cause you told your friend no. And that is the part that really stings.'cause here's the clincher. Pay real close attention. Men don't do this. They don't wrap their plans in a disclaimer like we do, how many times has your partner come to you with a sad story, why he needs to go out? They just say, I'm going golfing with the guys this weekend, and that is the end of the conversation. No guilt, no second guessing, no emotional negotiation. Now I realize there's some women out there who don't want their guys doing stuff. This isn't about that. We're talking about how us ladies have a tendency to feel like we need permission. We need to ask. We need to explain ourselves. We have to stop carrying the emotional tax of freedom. We can love our people and go away for a night or a weekend or a work trip. We can be devoted partners and moms and still belong to ourselves. It's in those quiet moments where we adjust our tone or hold back a thought. We do it so often. It has become second nature. But when you really stop and pay attention, you'll start to notice how deep this runs in our lives inside our homes. I raise three boys and I am all too familiar with hearing myself say, can you babysit the kids tonight? Wait, what? Are you fucking kidding me? Why are we asking our partners, our husbands, our boyfriends who live with us to babysit their own kids? Have you ever heard a guy say that? I. No. If a guy's out with his buddies, he's gonna say, my wife's at home with the kids. So instead of asking your partner if he can babysit or watch the kids, maybe we should start saying things like, Hey, what's your evening look like? If you're free, would you be cool taking over the kid duty tonight? I could use a break and I wanna grab dinner with my friend. And what about this one? I have done this one so many times. I finally asked myself, why the fuck am I thinking my partner for cleaning up the house that we both live in? We don't get thanked for doing the dishes, folding the laundry, packing lunches if you've got kids or handling dinner after a full day of work. And when I say a full day of work, my work day is about 10 plus hours. I. And now I'm in the kitchen. You're in the kitchen. After a long day, we're cranking out dinner because the hubs is working 12 plus hours. We just do it because we've been conditioned to carry the weight of it without question, not to mention who's gonna cook dinner If you're not what are you gonna wait until he gets home and start dinner? It's probably gonna be really late. So we are doing it for ourselves, but I think you get the point. Cooking dinner after a long ass workday, raising kids, keeping a home, running a life. None of this is one person's job. If you are in a partnership, have a husband, have a boyfriend who lives with you, it is a shared space, shared load, shared responsibility. It's not babysitting. When a dad takes care of his own children, it's not helping when they clean the house you both live in. It's just what grown adults do when they live in a space together. I. When they build a life together, when they raise a family together, we need to stop acting like it's extra. It's not a favor, and it's not above and beyond. And when we stop treating it that way, when we stop thinking them for doing the bare minimum, it gives space to start expecting balance, shared responsibility without guilt. Because this isn't about creating conflict, it's about creating balance. Maybe it starts with us noticing those moments when we instinctively ask, apologize or say thank you when we really are seeking balance. And from there we can begin to make small, intentional changes that create more balance and more mutual respect in our relationships. For instance. Chris and I have a shared responsibility in the kitchen. I cook dinner but he cleans it up. He will leave those dishes overnight sometimes and wash'em the next day. I can't stand dirty dishes in the sink. Well, guess what? I'm not doing it. I've taught myself to let it go He does'em in the morning they don't sit there for days he does them. We both clean the house, both do laundry. Sometimes I'm doing it more than him, but overall, it's shared responsibility. He doesn't say thank you, and I don't say thank you. So here's a beautiful example. Of what it looks like when a woman truly takes care of herself. This is such a great story. So I was sitting in the nail salon today waiting for my Polish to dry when I overheard the nail tech chatting it up with another woman sitting next to me and he said, Hey, are you from around here? And she said, no. And he said, did you come with your family? Again, she said, no. He said, oh, you must have come with your friends. And she goes, no, I didn't come with my friends. So curious. He finally said, well then who did you come with? She smiled. I was staring at her by this time and she said, I came by myself. My heart started singing'cause I just felt like I had her vibe. She went on to explain that her husband was home handling everything, including the kids, and that she was here to rest and recharge. And he said, what are you doing by yourself? As if being by yourself is tough, right? She said, I love the ocean. I take walks on the beach. I looked over at her and I said, good for you. I am so impressed that you recognize that you needed this time for yourself and she said, I have to make this time. If I don't, I will wear myself out. I carry a lot in my household and I manage everything, and it was just such a gentle reminder. This is not indulging. This is not, I need to go on some luxurious vacation by myself. This is essential. Rest isn't a reward. It's how we keep going. So as we wrap up today's episode, I wanna remind you this. You're not asking for too much by taking time for yourself. You're not selfish for needing space, rest, or connection with your friends. You're just human you're worthy and you are allowed to live life. A beautiful life that isn't always centered around what others need from you. We all need breaks. You need break. He needs a break. It's that balance. Each one of you needs that time. Start small. Speak up. Own your choices. Don't feel like you have to walk soft and create this dramatic story when that voice of guilt tries to creep in, remind yourself you do not need permission to be you. So here's a few takeaways. Speak in statements, not apologies. Instead of saying, would it be okay if I try, I'm planning too. Because you're not asking for permission. You're sharing your plan with respect. Be very clear and upfront about your needs. You want a night off? Say it. I need a night off because I'm fucking exhausted. I need a night off to be with a friend and just chill. Whatever it is, you don't have to justify your desire to rest or recharge. This is a need not a luxury. Check in like your teammates, instead of assuming or asking like you're requesting a favor, have an open two-way conversation. Hey honey, what does your week look like? I'm thinking of making plans on Tuesday. It's that simple. Treat your time away as restoration. It's a reset, A reminder that you are a whole person, not just the role that you fill at home. Taking care of yourself should not come with guilt. Doing things with your friends should not come with guilt. It should come with intention. So go see your friend. Go have dinner with your friends. Go on that girl's weekend away because when you come back, you'll be refueled and reconnected to yourself and everyone benefits. You don't need permission. You just need a reminder that you matter too, so take care of yourself. Until next time.