Life's Curveballs: 6 Lessons I Learned from Divorce (and Life After It)

In this episode, I share the emotional reality of going through a divorce — and why, despite surviving cancer, strokes, and life-threatening health scares, my divorce was the most painful experience of all.

It shook my identity, disrupted my sense of self, and changed the course of my life. I had to find new ways to heal, rebuild, and reconnect with who I really was. These are the 6 biggest lessons I learned about emotional resilience, protecting your children’s hearts, preparing financially, and showing up for yourself in the hardest moments.

If you’re navigating divorce or trying to make sense of life after it, this episode is for you. Whether you're in the thick of it or on the other side, these truths may help you feel less alone and more empowered.

Thank you for tuning in! I truly appreciate every one of you, whether you’re here for the first time or have been with me from the start.

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Transcript

 I want you to think about something. What's the moment in life that shook you the hardest? Was it something traumatic or maybe something that seemed small to others but completely threw you off Track. Each of us come to life's curve balls with different baggage beliefs. Certainly different coping mechanisms.

Some people have already faced major storms in their lives. They've built what I would call emotional calluses, or have a toolkit for getting through those hard things. So a smaller curve ball doesn't rock them the same way others might be carrying invisible loads, like past trauma, anxiety, unhealed grief.

So even small disruptions feel massive to them. It's like their bucket is already full and one more drop. In their bucket causes them to overflow. So what looks like a small curve ball from the outside might actually hit exactly where someone's most tender. For instance, a job layoff might be inconvenient for one person, but an identity shattering blow for someone else

some people haven't learned how to regulate overwhelming feelings, and that's understandable. But one thing I know for sure is life's hardest moments may not necessarily be about the size of the event, but where it landed in your heart.

So let's dig into that. I wanna talk about. Something that was far worse for me than the life-threatening events I have been through. It was something that cracked me wide open in a way that none of those moments. Ever did, and you're probably thinking, what could be worse than cancer? Aneurysm, strokes, heart issues?

Well, I'll tell you what it was. It was my divorce. It shook my sense of self Illness threatens your body,  divorce, often threatens your identity, your dreams of a partnership, your vision of a family. And not only do you lose your partner, but sometimes you can lose shared friendships, family traditions.

So much more than that. Have you ever gone through a divorce? Because if you have, I think you're gonna feel this deep into your bones.

The moment you start to truly process that your marriage is ending, it sets off an explosive storm of emotions that come roaring through every stage of the separation. And the divorce, it can feel like you're weathering the worst storm of your life, it certainly felt that way for me. When the storm finally passed and the sun came out, I didn't even know who I was.

I wasn't sure if I was numb. Or if I was happy, I didn't even know what I liked or what I enjoyed in life any longer. I had completely lost the sense of me. When my ex-husband and I separated, it felt like the ground had been ripped out from under me. I was worried how it's gonna affect my three kids.

Everything I knew about my life, my home, my identity, my worth was suddenly in question. But the truth is. The cracks in my marriage had been growing for a very long time. Over time, we just started to see things so differently and the difference chipped away at me until I started to feel paralyzed. I realized I was losing more than just a relationship.

I was starting to lose my. Self by continuing to stay. And that's when I knew something had to change. I had desperately wanted to preserve the last light of who I was, and let's face it, divorce can be messy. Complicated it's hard to process the reality of your marriage coming to an end.

I didn't let people in. I didn't want anybody's help. I just wanted to escape and dodge sitting alone in the pain 'cause it was incredible pain that I was feeling. I drank to quiet the thoughts and take the edge off the anxiety. But that never lasted, so I started dating hoping that would numb the pain.

For a while, the compliments, the feeling of being wanted and mattering to somebody. It all helped. But guess what? That too started to wear off pretty quickly and there was just so much emotion between my ex and I. I feel like the anger between us masked how much pain we were both actually in. And honestly,

it doesn't matter who wants out of a divorce. It's brutal for both people. That's the truth, it's often brutal for the same reasons. It shakes your entire world. It tests you emotionally, mentally, financially, and physically. Let me tell you, the anxiety of my divorce was so intense that I struggled to eat.

I had zero. Appetite. I was really lucky if I could manage to get a bagel down in one day. That's all I was eating. I went from about 128 pounds to a hundred pounds. I was so skinny. Divorce disrupts everything from your routines, your kids, your friendships, even your sense of who you are.

It's never quick or easy to make the decision to decide to stay or go, and it doesn't happen overnight. It took me two full years to decide it was time to go. And I was trying to make sense of what's it even gonna look like when I do leave.

I remember calling five or so different attorneys. Because I needed to know what are my options before making such a huge life changing decision. Because here's the truth, when it comes to divorce, it's so important to prepare yourself emotionally, mentally, and financially. You need to know what your options are.

You need to understand what life is gonna look like or how it's gonna be impacted on the other side. When you decide to leave, and sometimes it's starting to collect that information, that gives you more courage to take the next step. It drags up every emotion you can imagine.

Often, all in the same day. One minute I felt guilt, grief, and then the next minute I was feeling incredible anger. But if you're lucky, a flicker of relief will soon pass no matter what. It is overwhelming. It's isolating and painfully messy to go through a divorce. But here is what I want you to hear. The more prepared you are, the more power you take back.

Divorce isn't just heartbreak. It's your entire life. It's your house, your bank accounts, your retirement, and even the forks in your kitchen drawer. Yes. That's right. It's gut wrenching to face, but it matters. All of these things matter. So if you're in the early stages or you're even just thinking about leaving, start gathering the details.

Pull your account statements, make a list of what you own, understand what's in your name, what's shared, and it might feel like you're filing taxes in the middle of a tornado. But it's giving you strength. It's helping you figure things out and helping protect you more than anything because divorce just isn't hard on you.

It's hard on the people who love you too. It's unbelievably challenging for a friend to keep showing up and loving you unconditionally while you are coming undone and in a complete mess. Most people don't even know what to say or how to show up, and some people feel threatened that now you're suddenly single.

The husbands don't want the wives hanging out with you. You're watching how it impacts your kids, and that is the hardest part to swallow because as a parent, you do anything to protect your kids from pain. Seeing your own choices you're making in your life. 

It cuts deeper than anything else. It certainly did for me. As a parent, we are wired to keep our kids safe and happy, right? Watching them struggle with sadness, confusion, fear, or even anger. It goes against every instinct that you have. The guilt that we carry when we start to think about, a separation and divorce is crushing even if the divorce is the healthiest choice, it can still feel like you've somehow let your kids down. When you're in the eye of that storm, you're not thinking clearly. You're in a complete tailspin. You're in survival mode, and you're making choices that you never. Thought that you would make. I remember asking my older son who was 12 at the time, to look after his younger brothers, and that's not something a kid should ever have to experience.

I wish I could have shielded him from that and that I had a clearer mind. I know personally how my divorce affected each one of my boys, and that's something that I'm always gonna have to live with. Unfortunately, that's the reality. Divorce is messy. It's isolating. It tests every relationship around you, including the one with yourself.

And healing never comes quickly. We wanna get past it so fast, but it only begins after the noise has died down after the papers are signed, after late nights out, or lots of drinking or fleeing connections, whatever it is that we have done to get through that pain.

We think we're moving on. When we're doing that and distracting ourselves, but the reality is we're just moving fast enough to outrun the pain, but eventually, we all know this. You have to feel it in order for you to be able to heal. We've gotta stop running from it. And deep down, we all crave peace so desperately because there's been so much chaos and anxiety in our hearts.

At some point, we all wanna feel that peace and that stillness. We want calm all around us. I'll never forget how desperate I was to find peace in my heart. One night I was sitting in bed with my laptop open and I literally typed in Google finding peace in my heart. I've always believed in the law of attraction when you want something so badly and you put it out there to the universe.

The universe listens, and sure enough, it was listening that night because right then it dropped an article in front of me that felt like it was written just for me. It was rooted, on Buddhism beliefs, and it was all about handling emotional stress. It asks these really powerful questions.

What are you holding so much space for in your life that's blocking you from peace and happiness? I was like, oh my God, this is so for me. What are you letting take over your heart, mind, and soul? What would it take to let go? It was question after question. I grabbed my pen and my paper, and I started answering these questions one at a time, and by the end of it, I felt completely drained, right?

Because I'm unloading all this shit that's been dragging me down. But after that, something shifted. I went to bed that night. I swear to you, when I woke up the next morning, I'd never felt so much peace in my life. The anger I had been carrying towards my ex was completely gone. I'd forgiven our differences and for the very first time, I felt truly free to focus on me.

The pain and the struggles that we go through in life, they truly shape us and it's usually in life's hardest moments that we learn our greatest lessons. I've learned as brutal as divorces. It makes room for something new. It gives you a different kind of freedom. The freedom to finally be yourself again.

It can take time to learn what you truly enjoy. You have to start paying attention to those tiny little sparks. What makes you smile? It could be something as simple as trying a new hobby or doing things that you used to do before you got married. Maybe you take a walk just to notice some of the thoughts in your mind when no one else is around

to figure out what do I enjoy? Listening to music, going for bike rides, going to the movies, whatever it is. Be curious again, and ask yourself, what if I tried this? I learned a lot through my separation and divorce through the messy, painful journey that I went through. But first know this in time, maybe a year, maybe two. You start to feel joy again, not just any joy, but something you haven't felt or realized for years while you've been stuck and you've just been going through the motions.

Believe me, it all comes back. It really does, and when it does, it feels like you're breathing fresh air like you're no longer underwater. Holding your breath, but second, protect your kids' hearts. No matter how hurt or angry you are, keep it away from them. Don't bash your ex in front of your kids. I have seen the long-term damage that it can do , even when your own peace feels shattered, please protect theirs.

Prepare yourself emotionally, mentally, and financially. Seek out legal advice and know your options. Understand what life on the other side might actually require for you to get there. Sometimes just starting to gather information gives you enough courage to take the next step, and I highly recommend.

Seeing a therapist. If you're falling apart like I was, please find somebody to lean into. A place to unload your emotions, to get some coaching and guidance. This will help you start healing faster. I often wonder if I would've jumped into therapy sooner. Maybe I wouldn't have melted down to a hundred pounds or felt I was in a tailspin. Also, it's okay for it to be messy. Cry in your car by yourself. Don't shut people out. Make mistakes. There's no perfect way through this. Only your way. Keep showing up for yourself because that's how you're gonna start piecing all of this back together, not just to survive, but to truly live again. And remember that you're not alone. There are so many people that are going through separation and divorce. If you have a friend who knows a friend that's going through one, it might not be a bad idea to talk to each other. That wasn't the case for me during my divorce, but when I was diagnosed with cancer, I can't even tell you how many people who saw my announcement on social media that came forward and just wanted to talk to me.

It's an incredible way to get support I would imagine there's support groups out there for people going through divorce, attend one, anything to keep your sanity for yourself and more importantly for your kids. Your kids are likely gonna need support through this as well. These are things I really wish I knew at the time I went through my divorce.

I wanna be able to share all this with you so that you can go through it and not feel the impact that I felt. My divorce made a bigger impact on my life and crushed me more than any one of the life-threatening events that I went through. That's huge.

Think about that. People told me I had cancer four different times and my divorce still trumped that. That's how hard it was. Take away these tips and apply them. They will help you, I promise. And for those of you that have been tuning into this podcast, I'm on YouTube now. You can check me out on video.

I hope to see you out there. Until next time.